As parents we expect alot from our kids. I'm no exception....good grades a must. I was like a fiend when Nicholas was in Primary school. I remember the first test results he brought home. All excited and happy, this bespectacled kid waving his test paper like crazy. However, it fell short of my expectations but like a good Mummy, I pulled a wide plastic grin and said, 'That's VERY good!' Muack!

That night after Nicholas had gone to bed, my husband found me in tears. Concerned, he asked me what was wrong. Between sniffles I went ' Noo..o! He's supposed to get 99 or 100!! It's only P1! There's no reason not to do well...hooo!' Yes, yes, that's the sort of person I was....until...

Last year, as I was sorting out my stuff, Nicholas popped into my room and sat amongst my things. He picked up my age old report book and asked if he could take a look. Needless to say he made me remember that I wasn't such an ace myself wa..ay back then. ( I must say I never remembered failing Physics!! Yeah right... But it's all there, carved in stone so to speak.) Tsk, tsk. How we forget.

Since then, the only thing I ask of him is to give his utmost best in all he does. Browsing through the folder I keep of his certificates of achievements and awards, I've come to realise that he has achieved far more than I had in all of my school life, with results better than mine in some instances!

So before we put the pressure on our kids, we ought to take a good look at ourselves. ( Yes, bring out that report book. It sure jogs your memory! )

PS : He scores a perfect 100% in my eyes if not more... :)

A 2007 UK study on primary education concluded that children face "excessive" pressure today. Conducted by Cambridge University, the Primary Review was the biggest such independent study in the past 40 years.

The Review stated that UK children "are under intense and perhaps excessive pressure from the policy-driven demands of their schools and the commercially-driven values of the wider society."

Among those interviewed were children, parents, teachers and others across England, and the Review also identified worries about family life, anti-social behaviour, materialism and climate change.

Personally, I don't think our kids today are under any more pressure than we were growing up in school and society of yesteryears.

However, I believe we must be mindful of what our kids face today in school and society and be aware of coping mechanisms to deal with stress in current times.

Consider a couple of simple questions to ask our kids and ourselves:

• What are our children worried about?

•  What can we do to help our child in that regard?

Failure to be aware of such in their early years could mean much grief in later years.

Noting each family and child has unique experiences, each parent must chart their own course to help resolve their children's worries and nip potential problems in the bud.

Ok, it is an acceptable observation that boys tend to speak lesser than girls - at least with mine. However, I noticed that my son (now 14) has  started to response lesser to us in our daily interactions. And yes, they are rather petty things like  a simple, "Son have you had your medication?" or "Are you in your room?" or "Taken your bath?". Unless reminded frequently, it would take me at least 4 times of repeating the question or raising my voice before I get a response  :(

Am i alone, any parents with similar challenge?

Most parents of teenagers would add that it is normal and blame it on part of growing up. Is it really that normal and would our tolerance condone their behaviour? I can and will  accept the idea of teenagers not wanting to share too much with their parents and needing their private space while they are working out on their identity - it's their season. Hence, the occassional you-don't-understand look on their face that basically spells leave-me-alone. Sure, we give the space and try subtly to reach them somehow. But not responding to my simple questions as above? I could not tolerate and will not excuse them on the basis of teenhood.  It's plain rudeness and lack of respect. Such behaviour, we must make it a point to correct at all times. It is slow but from our perspective, an essential task to help remind our children the need to recognise and distinct between what's really acceptable and what's not.  Blaming teenhood for all their unacceptable manners and activities make me an irresponsible parent. Of course, the approach to handling the issue is altogether another issue.

On our bedroom door, there stuck 2 envelopes which our 11-year-old girl has put up for us where she would  'post' her private notes to Dad and Mum. It's her personal post box to us.  Occasionally, we will find  'I love U', "God Bless U", "Am sorry I made you mad" or "Why didn't you write? I miss u" types of  notes in these 2 envelopes. Sometimes, it could be just a candy bar to sweeten our tooth :) Two days ago, it was 2 handmade cards to bless us on our 16th Marriage Anniversary.

Children, I realised through my kids, can be nurtured to express their love especially when reciprocated. It's a lifestyle that needs no Valentine's Day! As adults, we often allow the distractions in life to take us away from expressing our love to our dear ones. We assume that they know and overtime, forgot that the a little gesture in the form of a note, a candy, a smile or a surprise gift given on an ordinary day could do wonders to bonding and nurturing of a more loving person.

I learnt that expressing one's love requires conscientious effort though sometimes it's also a result of an implusive urge to shower our love (then do it, don't hold back or procrastinate!). If you have not given your child a special candy bar all wrapped up beautifully along with a personally handmade card, why not start now? Not because it's Valentine's Day but a day to mark the start to your many more gifts and expression of love to your dearest :)

"Daddy, what time are you coming home? You have not being eating dinner with us for the last 3 days." My no. 3, Rachel asked.

"Daddy, you have not taken me on our one-on-one this month, when are we going?" my son, Reuben complained.

"Dear, when you are taking me on our couple time? We have not done it for months." My wife, San San said with a slightly demanding tone.

These are remarks and questions that I have struggled with from time to time since the kids arrived over the last 15 years. As the family grew in numbers, work got more demanding plus the desire to serve in church ministry intensify, I found that I was being ‘stretched' in all directions.

With 2 growing teenagers at home, it is becoming a greater challenge to find time and activities to bond as a family. The 2 older ones would opt out of a family activity if it is ‘boring' for them or when they rather spend the time ‘connecting' with their friends over MSN, Friendsters, SMS or just simply ‘chill out'.

One of our family bonding time is dinner. I try to eat with the family at least 3 times a weekly. This is when the entire family eats together at the dinner table. This is different from just coming home for dinner, because I know of friends who get the kids to eat first and then the adults later. We have a strict house rule that bars anyone from eating in front of the TV and during our meal time together, the TV is switched off. We realized that we cannot compete with the TV if we want to focus on listening to one another talk.

As we eat together, we will talk about the highlights of our day or week. Sometimes, we (my wife & I) will allow the kids to lead the conversation, this will then lead into ‘things' that will never surface in other settings. The kids will share some of the challenges and struggles in school, issues with friends, even things like type of boy/girl they like! You will be amazed by the things that can surface around the table when everyone is more relax and there is no hurry to rush off somewhere.

Besides eating dinner together, we have a weekly family time. This usually takes place on Sunday night after dinner about 8.30 or 9.  We will take time to reflect about the message we heard that morning in church and share our thoughts on how it relates to us. There will also be time for us to share the goals, challenges and we are expecting to face in school, at work or at home for the coming week. We will then close our time together by praying for each other's needs and challenges.

To inject some fun and excitement, we have also done family time outside the house at Mac or a cool dessert place. This gives us the chance to try new food but also provide a less formal atmosphere to interact and talk. The topics will be less serious but may be something the kids feel is important: like why MSN is an important tool to stay connected with friends. This is when we (the parents) will get some precious insights into the high tech world of our kids. We keep a journal for our family time so that we can look back and reflect, plus action on things that need to be done.

Couple time is an important family bonding vehicle for us. We scheduled this for Sat afternoon or evening. We will take time to talk over coffee or dinner about the matters concerning the kids, each other, work or even church ministry. This helps us to set goals and objectives, identify challenges, put in action plans, pray and monitor the progress of things. It is a good time for us to communicate our feelings, frustrations, expectations and thanksgivings.

One-on-one time with each kid is just as important. It is becoming increasing difficult especially for the 2 older ones as they have their own preferences and activities. I will need to ‘excite' and interest them to do something together that is meaningful to them. Bringing them along to do community service like distributing bread to the elderly in Chinatown and follow by a treat to some yummy food there can be appealing. Going shopping to buy a new digital camera that they want to pay with their pocket money would also give opportunity to bond and talk. Playing a game of badminton or bowling also provide opportunities to build relationships.

With the 2 younger ones, it is much easier and more impromptu, like just taking a trip to NTUC and then to Mac to eat ice cream works for my no. 4, Ranice. Going for a 30 minute brisk walk to exercise will ‘excite' Rachel, my no. 3. They juz want to spend time with daddy. That is why, my ‘smart' wife always remind me that we need to seize the opportunities with our 2 younger ones, because they will become teenagers in no time.

We also look out for activities by church or other organizations for opportunity to bond as a family. I have taken my first born, Rebecca to a father-child camp when she was 11. The 2 day 1 night camp provided many activities and opportunities for the father-daughter relationship to grow. Precious lessons were learnt for both Rebecca and me. I am planning to take my son, Reuben who is 13 on a father-son ‘amazing race' around Chinatown in June organized by a VWO and perhaps an overnight camp at the end of the year.

The Singapore Book of Records together with 29 VWOs/beneficiaries will be organizing the Greatest Charity Run on Fri, 24 April 2009 at 6.30 pm, venue Temasek Polytechnic. This is a tremendous opportunity for the family to bond as they walk or run, take part in the human wheel-barrow race and to help the poor and needy through the participating charities. I will be encouraging my cell members, church friends, ex-colleagues and colleagues to take time to bond as a family the Greatest Charity Race. See you there!!