Connecting with your teens

Two years back when our first born turned 13, we began struggling to connect with her. Increasingly, we found that we were not able to relate to her and that she was resisting us on many issues. She was just shutting us out of her world, preferring to stay at home rather than go out with the family if given a choice. She would rather spend time talking on the phone, on the MSN or Friendster with her friends than hanging out with her ‘boring’ family or parents.

We realized that our ‘little’ girl was searching for her identity as a youth. She needed more space and time. She wanted more freedom and rights.  Through godly wisdom, we realized that we need to maintain open channels of communication with her, but also needed to lay ground rules and expectations. Here are some ways we connect with our two teens at home:

We come together for dinner as a family at least three to four times a week. During that time, no one is allowed to eat in front of the TV. We get to hear what’s happening in school, get to ‘know’ the things they are doing, friends they are hanging out with. The conversation is usually very relaxed and even things like their latest ‘crushes’ would  surface. When such things arise, we would ‘sneak’ in our views and expectations on dating and BGR (boy girl relationship).

We take time to go out with the kids on a one-on-one once a month. With four kids, I will take one out every Saturday while my wife does her one-on-one usually on Wednesday during her day off.  Our two older ones who are teens get to choose what they want to do. Sometimes it is going shopping to buy something they want, followed by ‘chilling out’ at a ‘cool joint’ of their choice like Pasta Mania.  These are great settings to talk and discern their thinking.

My wife plays Sims with the kids and they even got her to design their home for them. Playing badminton or teaching them to ride a bicycle is also great fun and opportunity to help connect with them and build character. One of our church friends plays soccer with his two teenage boys and their friends almost every week. Team sports are great opportunities to get to know the friends our kids are hanging out with.

Comments (2)

Jojo: What if communications fail?

Have there been moments where despite communication, you fail to deliver a point which you as a parent feel strongly about? Do you not ever engage in any major 'arguments' with your kids and how do you handle it?

1

September 13

Trevor Tan: When communications fail!

Sure, there were many times when communication broke down. Very often, we will be tempted to assert our parental authority on the issue and many times the kids just 'shut down' or engage in a heated argument. Most of the time, it will be best to 'back off' and let both parties take a time out. As Christians, we will always pray for wisdom to deal with the issue. We find that it is best to set ground rules before hand, anticipating some issues and then communicating them with the teenager when all is 'calm'. So when the 'storms' come, we have a reference point and ground rules to fall back on. This will usually avert the major arguments.
For instance, we set limits on the no. of sms our teenagers can use monthly. the rule is that if they exceed the quota, we will confiscate their phone for 1 week. Usually, on the first offence, we will exercise grace by giving a stern warning and if repeated their mobile will be taken away for at least a week. very often when the punishment is carried out, there will be no major arguments because they know the rules and are aware of the consequences. We make it a point to deliver the punishment so that the kids know that we mean what we say. sometimes we will shorten the 'sentence' for good behaviour and if we see true repentance.

Trevor

2

September 16