Studies in the recent years have show that in general, a person matures at the age of 30 +/-. To understand maturity, one has to know how the brain works. Psychologists have determined that there are two parts of the brain that affects maturity; the emotional centre and the intellectual centre. Maturity in a person is achieved when the connection between the emotional centre (EC) and intellectual centre (IC) is formed. Children and teenagers make the majority of their decisions based on emotion instead of reason. They do things based on "I feel a need to do so" rather than "I know I should or should not do so". Something I'll always ask a person around my age whenever a topic such as this is brought up is "At what age did you begin to make right choices?" There will always be a look of deep thought on their faces. Then a smile of agreement mixed with embarrassment follows when I answer for them "Only recently as an adult, right?" Adults don't realise that they themselves start making right choices only in adulthood because they learned through their experiences. Yet, children, especially teenagers, are penalised for making wrong choices. Doesn't this make us realize that raising children is not just feeding them and providing them with a good education? How our children turn out is hugely dependent on the coaching and nurturing they receive in their childhood. Between the ages of 6 to 12, the brain develops new connections for a new phase of learning, not just in the area academics but more importantly, they begin to learn more about themselves; who they are individually and socially. This is a time when character building begins.
Parents, if a person fully matures intellectually and emotionally at the age of 30+/-, are the expectations we have on our children realistic? Or do we see already them as "little adults"?
Read attached write up by TIME magazine for more information on adolescence brain
I think most parents avoid penalising their kids for wrong decisions but wrong/undesirable behaviour. In Singapore as our kids are almost totally occupied with studying, any form of punishment that they received is somehow related to their academic performance. That's the sad bit. Don't have much chance to punish for misbehaviour outside study... With so much time spent on academic development, how to find time for nurturing and character development? A simple test - how many of our kids help out in house chores today? No time! Just leave to the domestic help! So lifeskill also don't have....
I think parents must realize and accept the fact that children WILL make mistakes and while they are still under our stewardship, they should be allowed to make AFFORDABLE mistakes where we coached them through helping them undertsand the consequences of their actions and learn to make right choices.
At one hand, character building is important, but on the other hand, it is also important that children grow up in an enviroment of acceptance which is key for them to develop self confidence. When we constantly nick pick on behaviours that are tagged to the personality make up of the child, there is a high chance he will grow up having low self confidence. But of course there are things we should not accept; things that cause them or others harm.
Bottom line; I think what is lacking most in families is not the lack of discipline/punishment but the lack of time spent for the building of relationships that sets the atmosphere for character building.
This syndrome is not unique to Singapore only. It’s everywhere. I’ve read books written by various authors talking about this prevalent issue. If we define, label and interpret the world for child, then likewise, good parenting styles would need to be defined, labelled and interpreted for parents today.
What exactly does spending time mean?
What is misbehaviour and what is unacceptable behaviour?
How to coach a child through confusion to make right choices?
Whose duty is it to teach sexuality and sexual identity?
Are there more important lessons for a child other than academic achievements?
What does it mean to be a parent?
People say practice makes perfect, experience is the best teacher and doing is the best way to learn. A great educator by the name of Dr Howard Hendricks says it otherwise. Practice does not make perfect, it only makes permanence. If you practice wrong, then your mistakes are permanent because we are creatures of habit. Experience is not the best teacher only evaluated experience is. If there is no one to evaluate or coach you, you will not know what needs to stay and what needs to go. Finally, doing it right is the best way to learn.
Parents need to realize that they are more than just people who own kids. They are stewards over the child’s physical, intellectual, emotional and social needs. It is important for parents to say “I don’t know how”, acknowledge their helplessness before real change can happen.
Do children show it? Yes, they do. These children are often disrespectful, fearful, unmotivated or show low sense of self-confidence. Whilst every child has a different personality, some of them can display some of the negative traits mentioned above, which can be a result of negative parenting style.
There is a healthy place where parents can function from, where their role is well defined and interpreted. A place where they know they have authority to set things right but everything done through love. A place where they are secure enough to set boundaries and instil consequences that are tangible to their kids and not some future story of them going to jail because children can only see as far as the tip of their nose. A place where they take on the responsibility to coach their kids on making right choices and help them set goals that motivate them to want to excel on their own.
