Don't Talk About It
I think it is important to know that as long as we are alive and breathing in this world, we will face challenges. What make us grow stronger as parents and individuals greatly depend on how we learn to solve problems during such moments. Whenever two or more people work or live together, you can expect storms to happen because there will be differences in values and personalities. And what make these relationships grow closer depend on how these storms are managed. Again it is all about problem solving. But today, problem solving doesn't really take place in many families because we have been brought up in don't talk about it culture. This culture believes in things like "it is wrong to be angry", and there is an unspoken "rule" that says "don't talk to me about it" when problems are identified.
One can fail to realize that it is not wrong to feel anger. Anger is amoral. And just like sadness and happiness, there is no right or wrong about it. It is okay to say you are angry, but it is more than just that. It is about learning to say how you feel and what event triggers off that feeling. From here, we move to problem-solving mode by addressing the cause and teaching the person how to better manage their emotions.
Shame is an age old enemy of families. It causes families to be dysfunctional because shame is about keeping up with an image to the people outside. Parents who are shame-bound tend to think that their family should not have any problems. They have a pre-conceived idea of what a family should be and fail to recognise that real issues need to be resolved. They spend most of their time controlling the image they project to the outside, with tons of rules that are hard to keep up with. Children who are brought up in such an environment will in turn live a shame-bound life in their teenage and adult years.
It's interesting that you should talk about anger and shame in this light. We were brought up to control our feelings. Actually, we should be taught to control our negative actions as a result of our feelings. Feeling angry is not wrong but doing something bad because of anger is not right. Dealing with the roots of anger is key. I agree.
Shame - about keeping a everything's-alright' front is quite Asian. I think it will be long while before we can see openness in this area. Also don't forget it is about privacy as well. So in such instances, i guess support system will come in handy.
I totally agree with you that not all problems require and can have solutions. There are times we learn to accept what we cannot change and move on with life having a positive attitude and a clear knowledge of self worth.
I think what I'm trying to bring across with this write up is not so much about teaching children to problem solve but to address the attitude of problem solving parents and adults lack in general. Very often, adults can get too caught up with solving their own personal problems; they tend to neglect the problems that are just as real and important at home.
Children don’t really have the capability to problem solve on their own. They need adults who in their own lives practice it to coach and nurture children through it.
I think that it is not children who really needs help today but parents. So yes! It will be awesome if there is a support system whereby parents can receive the relevant coaching and support necessary to make the home a place for raising champions. The best way to keep teens off the street is to make the home place they want to go back to.
and today I was just telling my husband. "why people don't take parenting course like they do with other self-development courses?" I don't know about other people but I think i need to learn more because children they are so precious yet difficult to manage. So do you know of any support support system that really can upgrade parenting skills??
Yes, children are precious and they CAN be managed. The approach is not just acquiring a set of parenting skills but understanding the mind of a child is most important. Children act on how they feel almost all the time. They do not have the capacity to make right choices until they are coached to do so. That is why they tend to make bad choices. Teaching them right requires the parent to set routine, values, boundaries with consequences and a "parent coach" who is firm yet kind to coach them through their mistakes. The moment you know how a child’s mind work, you will begin understand why they need boundaries with consequences to learn.
Frustration with kids happens when adults begin to have an unrealistically high expectation of a child’s intellectual level. I’m not talking academics here. I’m talking about a child’s ability to read emotions and being able to do the right things at the right time. A child needs to learn all these things because they are not born with it. When an adult fail to realize this expect of a child, they begin to curb bad behaviours by introducing rules and more rule. At this moment, what the child gets is confusion and soon enough they lose confidence in themselves.
A child needs a strong routine, consistency, acceptance, appreciation, motivation, unconditional love. All these are ingredients of creating an atmosphere for the home to be a place for raising champions.
You can check out a course called “Parenting with Confidence”. The course content is quite good.
