As a young man, I wanted to be a father by age 30. Indeed, God gave me the desires of my heart and my first born arrived before my 30th birthday. That was some 15 years ago. The first things I learnt as a father was to clean my daughter’s “poo”!! Before, that I thought it was so ‘fun’ having a baby to ‘play’ with and this was when I realized that becoming a father was ‘hard work’.
My father was a good man, who works hard to provide for the needs of our family. He was a loving husband and father, but affections were not openly demonstrated when I was growing up. I was blessed to a ‘foster father’, a loving Christian elderly gentleman when I was studying in the States. It was through this relationship that I was introduced to hugs and open affections like saying “I love you”! This enabled me to be more affectionate with my kids even to this day.
In my early ‘fathering’ years, I thought that my main responsibility was to be the “provider”, to work hard as my father did to provide for the physical and material needs of my children since my wife was a stay home mom. One day, my wife made a remark that was a ‘wake up’ call. She said: “Your son may call you, uncle soon”. My one year old son was spending more time with my brother every evening while I was out meeting clients or in the office. By the time I came home at 9, my son would be sleeping and by the time he got up in the morning I was probably out of the house.
Spending time and connecting with my kids is something that I need to prioritize even up to this day. Very often, my wife needs to remind me that I am spending too much time at work or even in church ministry. At times, my children will remind me that I have not taken them on their one-on-one time for the month. To carve out time for the family, I will involve my kids in church ministry by taking one of the older ones with me. This gives me an opportunity to talk to them when we are on the MRT and while we do the work. Usually, they will get a treat after their work hard which gives additional bonding opportunities.
Fathering requires commitment and consistency. At different stages, the challenges become very different. When the kids are younger, we need to spend a lot of time ‘sowing’ life, moral and spiritual values into their lives. When they are older, in the teenage years, we will have ‘lesser’ time and influence in their lives. They would rather spend more time with friends on the phone, MSN or just doing their own things. We need to make deliberate efforts to seize our opportunities with them, to be there for them when they need us.
We need to ‘know’ our children and we can only do this if we spend enough time with them. Playing with them through a sports or hobby is an excellent way to ‘know’ their temperament and find ways to mould and shape them. Taking an interest in the things they like, will also give us the chance to relate to them and understand their thinking and heart beat. Fathering is a life long journey and adventure, some thing that needs diligence and persistence. Our children, whether sons or daughters need good fathering models to help them become good parents.
Loving their mother, is an important part of fathering. My kids know that my wife is the most important person in my life after my God. Loving my wife, showing open affections for her and giving her first priority, gives my kids a great sense of security and stability in our home. Working together as a team, agreeing on the rules and values we want as a family, help me to become a better father and she a better mom. Therefore, to be an effective father, I need to the loving support of my wife, her constant reminders and encouragements.
As parents we expect alot from our kids. I'm no exception....good grades a must. I was like a fiend when Nicholas was in Primary school. I remember the first test results he brought home. All excited and happy, this bespectacled kid waving his test paper like crazy. However, it fell short of my expectations but like a good Mummy, I pulled a wide plastic grin and said, 'That's VERY good!' Muack!